Quana.net

I am not totally sure what it is that I need to be learning from this but I am thinking that I have not taken the lesson to heart or am missing something in translation…Over the past several months I have had a number of very important people in my life tell me that they needed some space and that they needed to figure out what it is that is important in their lives so that they may go on and do something that they will enjoy and can fulfil themselves…The first time this happened I was kind of heart broken because it came in the form of her hanging out with someone else… Oh well, and life goes on…Most recently when this has happened, I have wonder to myself if this is just some big inside joke… Psst “tell him you need to figure yourself out. and then you’ll be off the hook” that girls tell each other when they are off powdering their noses. ;)But in truth I think that maybe I ask too many questions and sometimes it takes a while for those questions to land or for them to be assimilated…And maybe I am just too intense… heh I find that rather amusing actually… But whatever.So here is the thing, I really do think that many folks out there are not really sure what it is that they want to do. and I am not going to say that I have any answers all I can do is tell you what I have done to come to the place where I am at now… Perhaps this is a place that you may enjoy perhaps not…Now as much as I have been sounding like I am all doom and gloom of late over this last year I have never felt more alive and more happy. Yes I have many ups and downs and that is all very much part of life. For I am a strong believer that one must experience the downs just as much as one must experience the ups, for with out one the other can not exist. When I was younger I used to try my very best to get over something or get un-depressed as quickly as I could as I wanted to be always happy and upbeat. I was once (and I find this very amusing to this very day) described as eternally happy! Apparently this was not a feature that was looked upon as a good thing… meh.Anyway where was I… oh yeah, of late I have come to enjoy whatever state that I am in and do my very best to be present in the moment. Sometimes this moment feels like crap, but sometimes this moment can be fantastic… Like the moment when you finally place your lips on someone that you have been longing to kiss for ages and you can feel their breath on your lips, you can smell their lip stick, you can feel the warmth of their lips just before they actually touch your lips. and when they do touch you can feel a slight shiver of energy rush through you whole body and you know in that very instant you are alive with out a shadow of a doubt. Those are moments I live for… When time stands still and everything in the world comes into focus… that there is no where else that you would rather be then right there where you are…I feel kind of odd always having to repeat myself, but what the fuck if you know this shit already you can skip to the next paragraph or two… but it make the story self contained so I am going to repeat myself as I see fit so there.I grew up with folks that were and are quite interesting… My mother was many things before she had children, a pilot, a school teacher, a nurse, an X-ray technician, a world traveller. My father was a boat builder, a hippy, a sailor, and a sea captain… and one of the things that they had in common is that there are some things in life that are important and you have to deal with them now. i.e. you have to tie down the sails and you have to set anchor while the tide is right and before the wind shifts. These are things that you have to deal with no mater how tired you are and no mater what else is going on you have to deal with these things. If you don’t bad things will happen. and I don’t mean bad things as in “gee wiz I dinged the car, mom is going to kill me” no no I mean bad things as in if you don’t do things right in a storm you are going to be swept overboard and that will be the end of you. buuu bye. My mother was very much the same way. Yeah she would get into all sorts of frantic states when we were travelling about how we were lost and were never going to get home again. When it came right down to it I never saw her loose her cool when it really mattered, she always told me it was her time in the hospitals…When I was 16 (well actually I was 15 it was a week before I was officially allowed to join) I joined the fire department. I had wanted to be a fire-fighter sense I was 5, I remember seeing some movie where there was these forest fires and these guys came in and put them out. I thought that was the coolest thing ever. I remember the next day going off to kindergarten and playing in the sand box with a shovel tossing sand from one place to another imagining there were fires popping up all over the place. It was great fun! So naturally as soon as I was able to do it for real I was all over it. I had tried out when I was 13 but alas there was some pesky WCB regulations about age and shit like that. Pifff what do they know about safety anyway ;)My time on the fire department really taught me that there are things that are important and there are things that are not. If it’s on fire or there is blood it is important. When that call comes in you drop whatever else you might have on the go and deal with that. It makes everything else that you deal with in your life so much easier to deal with. Because you know that even though you may have to put up with some hockey mom stressing because her little timmy is not registered in the correct category or that you don’t have enough cash to buy the girl you are sweet on night out on the town really it does not matter because little timmy will still get to ride his bike down the hill and that’s all he cares about and you will still get to spend time with the girl that you are sweet on and that’s all either of you care about and so life goes on.So the question that I have for you is do you know what is important to you in your life? What is it that you are passionate about? What is it that you would jump out of bed before your alarm clock rang and would have you dreaming of it all night… Do you know? Do you care? Why are you not doing that now? or if you are doing it now What got you to the point that you can do that now?For me I really want to be living my life in a way that I am passionate about it. I want to do things that make me want to push the limits of what I am capable of. I want to challenge myself, because I know that is the best way to grow… and I know that some people don’t like challenge cause that is just another word for work and well personal growth is just work that you’re not getting paid for so fuck it eh. I mean no disrespect by what I am about to say. To me this thought process is what makes for unions and makes for lazy minds and lazy people… Fuck it get a sweet job sit on your ass and make 27 bucks an hour while you do fuck all but watch someone else do something… and then you complain that your job got cut? But whatever, I’m a “creative” I can say whatever I feel like and you can’t do shit :)But as I am a “creative” I spend all my time thinking how I am going to make something new and unique and different knowing full well that it has all been done before and I am not really going to have anything all that new and unique that I am really going to add to the mix. Ha!Anyway I am getting way off track here. Some of the people that are near and dear to me have been saying that they need to figure out what they want to do with their lives… and I have been watching them and I want to say all you need to do is take a day. (I figure you should be able to do it in a day at least figuring out what you want… How you are going to get it, well that will take the rest of your life) and clear everything off your plate. If it is important to you that you figure out what to do with your life well act like it’s important. Your laundry can wait till tomorrow, that show on tv will be on the internet in a day or two and those phone calls that you feel you must take will still be there on your voice mail when you are ready to call them back. but what I am trying to say is that all these things that distract us every day. Pokes, text-messages, e-mails, IM’s, cell phones and any number of other things that get in the way of actually looking at yourself. They will all be there when you get back very few things are really that important that you can’t take a full day all to yourself without being interrupted.Now sit yourself down and let yourself think with a totally open mind… Be like a child that is totally self interested and wants the first piece of cake and wants it to be the biggest one as well! Cause who the fuck cares you are home alone and just thinking to yourself. Think about the emotional states that you want to live your life in and you want to experience in your life. When you have those in mind, think to yourself have you ever had those states? When was it that you felt them last? When was it that you felt them strongest? What was it that brought those states on?You might want to have a note pad so you can jot these things down.I mean if they are important to you and all… ;)Now think to yourself would your life be full and would you be happy if you could look back on your life when you are old and think that you had done everything you could to live your life in that way. If you can say yes to this then you now know what you are looking for in your life. Wow that was easy eh ;) LOLFor me I want to life my life with love, lust, passion, wonder, intrigue, adventure, and maybe just a hint of fame… I hear it is a great aphrodisiac ;)But above all I want to have fun with my life. I want to enjoy the few precious moments I have here on this blue marble and share them with the people I enjoy and respect.Ok Now here is where it gets a little harder… Now that you know what you want to feel, you have to figure out how you are going to get those feelings… For me Photography fills all but one of those feelings… Now if for you it is painting or art or music or whatever don’t say to yourself “Oh I could never do that it is so hard to make a living doing x… Q is so lucky he is just really good at what he does” That is a total cop out! Photography is ridiculously competitive and becoming more so every day, but you know what I don’t care. It is what I am passionate about and something I can be really good at if I am persistent at it and just keep moving forward. What you don’t see is that this is about my only focus… I spend all my money on food or photography books, gear, tools, props and whatever else I can to move myself forward. Why? Because there is not much else that I would rather be doing other then taking pictures… Writing… and spending time with those that I care about. What else is there?Yeah I have had to take day jobs from time to time… Yeah I have had to take pictures of things I didn’t want to so that I could afford to take photos of the things that I did want to. but none the less I was still taking pictures :)So if you really want to live your life with the feelings that you desire and you know what it is that brings on those feelings then all you have to do is figure out how to do that with most of your time. Simple.For me it meant that if I was going to be a professional photographer I had to act like a professional, I had to have the gear of a professional, and I had to be determined that I was going to make it doing what I loved. It has not been an easy road by any means, but I have enjoyed the struggle and I don’t think I will ever stop enjoying the struggle, because if and when I no longer strive for something better… I will be dead.So believe that you can be happy!Know it in your heart of hearts. Know that if you really want something and are willing to do whatever it takes to get that then you will very likely succeed.Also you must know that every step of the way is what’s called life. You can enjoy that for the challenges and rewards that come with each day or you can think to yourself that you will be happy when… but you need to be warned that “when” never happens because there is always something else that could be better or might have been different. Don’t spend your time wishing your life away. Live it like you would like to remember you had lived it…and call me for breakfast…Hopefully this has been useful to you…Ciao.- Q

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 28th, 2008 at 2:44 am and is filed under Life.